Riddikulus

It has been forever since I’ve posted something. and that would be because it looks like I’m going to be groomed to coordinate events for the library. I’m currently in the middle of planning a Downton Abbey send off event: an afternoon tea “fit for aristocracy,” complete with food, tea (obviously), video clips, trivia, and a suggested reading list.
Honestly, while I am excited, I am absolutely terrified. My boss thinks it's a fear that no one will show.
But that’s not really it. I know that there are a ton of factors that go into why patrons will or won’t show up to event (weather being number one). I’m more terrified of people who do show up and hate everything. Worst of all, my boss has total confidence in me;  and while that comforts a lot of people, it has never comforted me.

While not the case here, what I’m used to when someone has such faith in me is that they then don’t give me the support I need to succeed. Mostly though, that total confidence is intimidating because what if I’m awful at this? I’ve always felt as if any of the attention I get is unwarranted. I literally cannot handle this kind of confidence.
What I fear most is failing and being a disappointment. It sounds/looks shallow putting those fears into writing like that. But that doesn’t make it any less true.
I’ve never been a standout at anything it feels like. Especially academic work. My good work was never overly praised, or really paid attention to, but my failures? Those were always scrutinized, and heavily critiqued. So maybe I’ve just been trained to hate any kind of attention because nothing good has ever come out of it for me. And maybe I see that total confidence as a type of attention. I don’t really know.

What I do know, I just have to keep telling myself I can do this, just one step at a time.