"Until the very end," J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

So much has happened since the last time I wrote anything. Good and bad. And while mostly balanced in number, the bad has definitely outweighed the good, mentally.

I have started seriously looking at grad programs, and I think I know to which I would actually like to apply.

And that should be so exciting! and I mostly am. But.

Because there is always a “but,” it’s definitely been a tough few months.

A close family member died very suddenly: my maternal uncle. I spent nearly every weekend with him growing up. He was elderly, sick, and unhappy; but it was nothing life threatening. I mean, his official cause of death was “failure to thrive.” So. I guess it was that unhappiness that killed him. No guilt there, or anything.

Anyway, I mostly just wanted to write something. To make sure I don’t give it up completely. To prove to myself that my creativity is still there, somewhere under all the stress and grief.

"I want my father back, you son of a bitch" - William Goldman, Princess Bride

Father's day sucks when all you have are memories and photographs.

Look, I did a thing! (Or what I've been up to lately)

So I'm clearly not a food blogger, but baking is something that I enjoy endlessly. I have a sweet tooth that cannot be satisfied, so baking is something that I have been getting more and more into as I get older.
Here is what I have been up to lately:
For Mother's Day I made my mother mini peanut butter cheesecake (recipe can be found here, though I changed the topping to candy)

A few days later I decided it was finally time to try to make empanadas with homemade dough (recipe here), for the filling I fried up some chourico and mixed in some shredded cheddar cheese. 

And most recently, I made cupcakes for a Memorial Day cook out, and I found this recipe for watermelon cupcakes, and I just could not resist. I think they came out pretty darn good if I do say so myself.  

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us" J.R.R Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Why is that just when you think life is coming together something comes along to knock you down a flight of stairs (because just one would not have been enough)?

The man who is the closest thing I have to a grandfather, my maternal uncle (he’s 15 years older then my mom) has lost the will to fight. He’s had severe diabetes for as long as i can remember, but he was just diagnosed with end stage COPD and that diagnosis has affected him more than I’ve ever seen before. His body isn't quite ready to give out yet. But his mind is. So all we can do now is make him comfortable because he’s done and is refusing all medicine. This something that  could take days, months or even years.

Riddikulus

It has been forever since I’ve posted something. and that would be because it looks like I’m going to be groomed to coordinate events for the library. I’m currently in the middle of planning a Downton Abbey send off event: an afternoon tea “fit for aristocracy,” complete with food, tea (obviously), video clips, trivia, and a suggested reading list.
Honestly, while I am excited, I am absolutely terrified. My boss thinks it's a fear that no one will show.
But that’s not really it. I know that there are a ton of factors that go into why patrons will or won’t show up to event (weather being number one). I’m more terrified of people who do show up and hate everything. Worst of all, my boss has total confidence in me;  and while that comforts a lot of people, it has never comforted me.

While not the case here, what I’m used to when someone has such faith in me is that they then don’t give me the support I need to succeed. Mostly though, that total confidence is intimidating because what if I’m awful at this? I’ve always felt as if any of the attention I get is unwarranted. I literally cannot handle this kind of confidence.
What I fear most is failing and being a disappointment. It sounds/looks shallow putting those fears into writing like that. But that doesn’t make it any less true.
I’ve never been a standout at anything it feels like. Especially academic work. My good work was never overly praised, or really paid attention to, but my failures? Those were always scrutinized, and heavily critiqued. So maybe I’ve just been trained to hate any kind of attention because nothing good has ever come out of it for me. And maybe I see that total confidence as a type of attention. I don’t really know.

What I do know, I just have to keep telling myself I can do this, just one step at a time.